Your One Wild and Precious Boundary

Hot take: Self care is not selfish.

Many of us received a message that taking care of ourselves is self-indulgent, selfish, or inappropriate; that there’s some virtue to disconnecting from our own needs, wants, and priorities.

I’m calling BS.

On the contrary, when we’re taking care of ourselves, when we’re attending to our emotional and physical needs, when we’re being honest about our strengths and shortcomings, when we allow ourselves rest – not as a reward, but as a regular practice – then we actually can be prepared to meet the demands of this world and the needs of others in a healthy, altruistic, and generous way. And we’re doing it from a balanced, centered, grounded place. The fruit of this giving is good. It’s free of unspoken expectations. We’re not leaking our anger out sideways. It’s not resentful, martyred, or secretly looking for kickback.

When we’re attuning to self, we have clarity on our own wants and needs; we are free from the winds of everyone else’s preferences pulling us this way and that. Our yes means yes; our no means no. And we can, in fact, say no. Because when we can say no, then our yes has more meaning. People don’t have to wonder if we really want to do the thing; because if we didn’t want to do the thing, we wouldn’t do it. Imagine that.

What comes up for you as I say that? What do you notice in your body as you imagine living this way? Resistance? Relief? Reservation? Fear? Does it feel hopeful? Impossible?

Here’s the saving grace: you can start small. You can tell one trusted friend who is all in for you that you’re practicing saying yes or saying no, and meaning it, and you can enlist her help and support. Borrow her courage, if you have to. Practice small, with safe people. Practice offering an actual opinion when someone asks what restaurant to visit or what movie to see. Practice saying no to one request this week. (You don’t have to have a reason. I know. But you don’t.) Practice not texting someone back right away, even if you can read their insistence in their tone.

Breathe.

Practice.

You’re ok.

Start small. This isn’t a race; it’s ok to try, and try again. It’s ok to miss the mark and get it wrong and have to start again.

You’ve got this. You’re worth it. You’re free. Open the little cage door and spread your wings. It’s not selfish to live the life you were meant to live, unencumbered by stale messaging from your youth.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” -Mary Oliver